EASTER
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Other random events of Spring:
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| Seriously?? |
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| Love! |
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| Children's Museum |
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| Paci collection--no more as of 3/24!!! |
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| Max gave all of his pacis to Baby Max. It worked!! |
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| Children's Museum |
Leaving the hospital in our jammies last week.
-Lisa-
Wednesday, April 29, 2015
Pictures of Life
What you missed in pictures...
EASTER
Other random events of Spring:
Leaving the hospital in our jammies last week.
EASTER
Other random events of Spring:
Leaving the hospital in our jammies last week.
Sadness + Stress = Subpar"ness"
Life happens.
Crappy life happens.
We know this. We are infertiles. Which means we also completely get how life events really do change all elements of our lives. We may not be able to focus on our jobs or friends when we are in the middle of a cycle or give our husbands as much attention when we are mourning a loss or BFN. Our stress and sadness makes us less of ourselves. At least, that was always the case with me. I became subpar. Not great at really anything...just existing.
That was three years ago now. And somehow the last month (or really 25 days) has really brought my world to a stop. My new normal is not normal at all.
It all started on Easter (look for adorable twin pics in another picture post). We had a great day. The babies were pretty well behaved during church, they played great with all of their cousins, and they just looked so darn cute hunting eggs! As we settled back into home around 6pm that evening, I received a call that I have dreaded but knew would come some day. It was my brother. My dad was in an ambulance on his way to the hospital.
My dad is a 70 year old stubborn guy that is a lovable teddy bear inside. But he has COPD. He has been on oxygen for 13ish years. His condition is getting progressively worse...there's no cure for emphysema or COPD. He manages fairly well and knows his limits.
Easter he wasn't feeling the best. He was struggling to catch his breath. The ambulance was called. They took him by ambulance but rerouted to a closer hospital then where we initially wanted to send him due to his condition. They had to intubate him and hook up to a ventilator.
We found out he had the flu. Great! We can treat that and get him better. So he was sedated and treated for the flu. The time came to wean him off of the ventilator and it didn't go well. He wound up getting sicker and it sent a shock to his entire body. Other organs started having issues. He even had issues coming out of sedation.
Day 14 in the hospital, we were told to say goodbye. That feeling. The feeling of utter sorrow. I shouted, screamed, and cried that ugly cry you see in movies. It hit me that my Daddy, my first love, my supporter, my caregiver, my rock, my role model...was going to die.
But he didn't. My whole family was there with him. We gave him permission to go if he wanted to do but if he had fight in him...then he better fight. And fight he did.
Fast forward to day 17 in the ICU, he had surgery to get a trach ventilator instead of the tubes down his throat. That day, he was able to kiss me! In three days time, I said goodbye knowing I would never be able to kiss my dad to kissing him! We thought we were on our way to recovery.
They transferred him to long term care facility at day 21. He is there to wean him off of the ventilator. Day 23 he is back in the ICU due to difficulties with weaning again. Day 24 he codes due to trach dislodged. And here we are...in holding. He will most likely move back to the long term care facility this week to try and wean again. He mouths words to us and I try to decipher what he is saying. He smiles. He kisses. He is alive. But he has a long road to recovery.
My life has been centered around his family emergency for nearing a month.
All of many jobs are maintained but really subpar. I am not doing anything particularly well. I am just existing. Sometimes the overwhelming feeling of failure makes me weep.
As a mom, I am not here as much. Harper and Max often say "Bye-bye, Mommy" when they see me. Is that all I do in their eyes? I see them a couple hours a day. It is sad.
As a teacher, I am just barely making it. I get papers graded late and really am not as focused on my job as I used to be. As a professor, I am SO behind in grading the end of the semester essays.
As a wife, I am neglectful. Jeremy has had to step up and be a single parent most evenings and on the weekends. He drove the kids around while I ran in the hospital to say goodbye to my Dad. He has been spectacular...but alone.
As a blogger, I suck! Not because of this incident...but in general. I keep starting posts and never finishing them. Sorry.
As a daughter, I am not doing enough. I can't be at the hospital all day due to my job. I wish I could do more for my mom and my dad.
So I am big giant package of SUBPAR SUCK! I have let sadness and stress turn me into the mediocre woman I am today. This is my new normal. I will work, visit the hospital any time I can, and find time to meet the bare minimum requirements of everyone else in my life.
Thanks for being understanding. Life will get back to normal soon. The sadness will lift and the stress will fade. I have done it before through infertility. I will get back to a better version of myself soon.
-Lisa-
Crappy life happens.
We know this. We are infertiles. Which means we also completely get how life events really do change all elements of our lives. We may not be able to focus on our jobs or friends when we are in the middle of a cycle or give our husbands as much attention when we are mourning a loss or BFN. Our stress and sadness makes us less of ourselves. At least, that was always the case with me. I became subpar. Not great at really anything...just existing.
That was three years ago now. And somehow the last month (or really 25 days) has really brought my world to a stop. My new normal is not normal at all.
It all started on Easter (look for adorable twin pics in another picture post). We had a great day. The babies were pretty well behaved during church, they played great with all of their cousins, and they just looked so darn cute hunting eggs! As we settled back into home around 6pm that evening, I received a call that I have dreaded but knew would come some day. It was my brother. My dad was in an ambulance on his way to the hospital.
My dad is a 70 year old stubborn guy that is a lovable teddy bear inside. But he has COPD. He has been on oxygen for 13ish years. His condition is getting progressively worse...there's no cure for emphysema or COPD. He manages fairly well and knows his limits.
Easter he wasn't feeling the best. He was struggling to catch his breath. The ambulance was called. They took him by ambulance but rerouted to a closer hospital then where we initially wanted to send him due to his condition. They had to intubate him and hook up to a ventilator.
We found out he had the flu. Great! We can treat that and get him better. So he was sedated and treated for the flu. The time came to wean him off of the ventilator and it didn't go well. He wound up getting sicker and it sent a shock to his entire body. Other organs started having issues. He even had issues coming out of sedation.
Day 14 in the hospital, we were told to say goodbye. That feeling. The feeling of utter sorrow. I shouted, screamed, and cried that ugly cry you see in movies. It hit me that my Daddy, my first love, my supporter, my caregiver, my rock, my role model...was going to die.
But he didn't. My whole family was there with him. We gave him permission to go if he wanted to do but if he had fight in him...then he better fight. And fight he did.
Fast forward to day 17 in the ICU, he had surgery to get a trach ventilator instead of the tubes down his throat. That day, he was able to kiss me! In three days time, I said goodbye knowing I would never be able to kiss my dad to kissing him! We thought we were on our way to recovery.
They transferred him to long term care facility at day 21. He is there to wean him off of the ventilator. Day 23 he is back in the ICU due to difficulties with weaning again. Day 24 he codes due to trach dislodged. And here we are...in holding. He will most likely move back to the long term care facility this week to try and wean again. He mouths words to us and I try to decipher what he is saying. He smiles. He kisses. He is alive. But he has a long road to recovery.
My life has been centered around his family emergency for nearing a month.
All of many jobs are maintained but really subpar. I am not doing anything particularly well. I am just existing. Sometimes the overwhelming feeling of failure makes me weep.
As a mom, I am not here as much. Harper and Max often say "Bye-bye, Mommy" when they see me. Is that all I do in their eyes? I see them a couple hours a day. It is sad.
As a teacher, I am just barely making it. I get papers graded late and really am not as focused on my job as I used to be. As a professor, I am SO behind in grading the end of the semester essays.
As a wife, I am neglectful. Jeremy has had to step up and be a single parent most evenings and on the weekends. He drove the kids around while I ran in the hospital to say goodbye to my Dad. He has been spectacular...but alone.
As a blogger, I suck! Not because of this incident...but in general. I keep starting posts and never finishing them. Sorry.
As a daughter, I am not doing enough. I can't be at the hospital all day due to my job. I wish I could do more for my mom and my dad.
So I am big giant package of SUBPAR SUCK! I have let sadness and stress turn me into the mediocre woman I am today. This is my new normal. I will work, visit the hospital any time I can, and find time to meet the bare minimum requirements of everyone else in my life.
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| My Daddy on my wedding day |
-Lisa-
Wednesday, March 18, 2015
{Semi} Wordless Wednesday
I am hoping for another real post tomorrow. Spring Break is flying by! So here are some pics of the twosome.
We will "talk" soon!
-Lisa-
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| St. Patty's Day |
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| Harper got to have a day with Mommy all to herself! |
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| Harper's 1st haircut |
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| Sweet baby |
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| Snake Saturday Parade. He loved seeing firetrucks! |
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| So much fun! |
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| Dump truckin' |
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| Enjoying the crazy nice February weather |
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| Golf lesson |
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| Park time! |
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| I know my expression is ridiculous. So is Harper's slide form here. |
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| Big kids |
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| Remote CONTROL |
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| 1st baseball cards |
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| He is hooked |
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| Our first stomach bug |
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| She got it too! |
-Lisa-
Sunday, February 22, 2015
I've Become a Blog Spectator
I am not sure how this happened, but I know why.
I was an avid blog postER and now I am just a blog readER.
I hate that. But I am reading (although I do "binge reads" on two weeks of blogs). I miss actually writing and am hoping to get caught up on my spring break. I have posts in my head but no time to write. Hence, why this explanation post is short and succinct.
My life is a great big ball of stress, life, work, babies, stress, work, not babies-toddlers, work, stress, and oh did I mention work??
So...I work as a middle school teacher by day. I am teaching not one, but two, college courses this semester. Oh, and the college I am teaching at had me take a course this semester that is A LOT of work! Luckily, I just turned in my mediocre final project. Like, 3 minutes ago...
So, when I come home from work at the middle school, I play with babies, cook dinner, have chit chat with the husband. Put babies to bed, and then work on the college course or grade the college work. Oh and grade the 110 middle school essays and work that piles up.
Then, I sleep. A little bit. But sleep.
So, no time to write. Or if I have time to write, my energy is zilch and I wind up reading your posts.
Before I leave you until sometime in March...here are the people that you want to see. The loves of my life that keep me working and going. It is all for them!
-Lisa-
I was an avid blog postER and now I am just a blog readER.
I hate that. But I am reading (although I do "binge reads" on two weeks of blogs). I miss actually writing and am hoping to get caught up on my spring break. I have posts in my head but no time to write. Hence, why this explanation post is short and succinct.
My life is a great big ball of stress, life, work, babies, stress, work, not babies-toddlers, work, stress, and oh did I mention work??
So...I work as a middle school teacher by day. I am teaching not one, but two, college courses this semester. Oh, and the college I am teaching at had me take a course this semester that is A LOT of work! Luckily, I just turned in my mediocre final project. Like, 3 minutes ago...
So, when I come home from work at the middle school, I play with babies, cook dinner, have chit chat with the husband. Put babies to bed, and then work on the college course or grade the college work. Oh and grade the 110 middle school essays and work that piles up.
Then, I sleep. A little bit. But sleep.
So, no time to write. Or if I have time to write, my energy is zilch and I wind up reading your posts.
Before I leave you until sometime in March...here are the people that you want to see. The loves of my life that keep me working and going. It is all for them!
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-Lisa-
Tuesday, January 13, 2015
Thank You, Infertility!
I daydream. I always have. Sometimes Jeremy says that is me just being ridiculous and worrying about the stuff that no one worries about. Sometimes he is right. But other times my daydreaming really is valid.
I have been daydreaming about babies and pregnancy lately. Not that I want more children. I am content and happy with Max and Harper. They complete our family. I am satisfied. But what if?
What if I wanted to have children?
I feel as though infertility has robbed us from even contemplating this question.
Could we even have other children without treatments? We can't afford to spend another $20,000 for a chance at another child.
So we are not having any more children. And although I really am fine with this choice. There are things I will miss. Miss about having babies (because mine are big kids now!). Miss about being pregnant. And I can't help but blame infertility.
After all, it was the beast of infertility that stole a normal conception and the excitement of a no worry pregnancy. I'm not bitter, right?
I'd never ever in a million years take those little humans (that are my life) away. But our family plan has severely been raped by that infertility monster.
No more ultimate safety of babies being in me.
No more flutters in my belly.
No more kicks or stomach contortions.
No more ultrasound pictures.
No more nursery preparation.
No more pre-washing baby clothes.
No more love at first sight at a baby's birth.
No more stumbling in the night to make the bottles.
No more baby smells.
No more infant bathtubs (I loved ours!).
No more coos and first smiles.
No more first anything. (Too dramatic?)
No more growing out of newborn clothes.
No more teeny tiny diapers....and teeny tiny poops! Ha!
No more laying a baby down and the baby being there two seconds later.
No more teeny tiny clothes. Or shoes.
No more warming bottles.
No more bottles.
No more baby food.
No more feeding schedules.
No more BABIES!
It is so sad. It is sad that these two are it for me. But it is also rewarding...in a way. As much as I would love to relive those wonderful firsts, I know that I would miss that at any point. There's no magic number of children that would ever make me content. I'd miss those things at 3 kids, 4 kids or even 5! The truth is that my babies are NOT babies. It is just plain sad.
But because of infertility (yep!), I have my miracles. I blame infertility for a lot. It sucks. I hate it. I hate that we had to walk that path. But I also have to see that through that process and journey...I got Max and Harper.
Infertility gave me all of the above missed experiences and so much more.
We now have a lifetime of happiness ahead of us. Each day brings a first that will be added to my no more list. Whether it is Harper smiling her largest at the prompt of "cheeseburger" or the babbling conversation that happens in our car ride home when asked "How was your day?"
So instead of feeling robbed by infertility. I have chosen the mindset that God has blessed me by giving me the chance to experience motherhood via the path of infertility
As odd as it sounds...thanks infertility?
-Lisa-
I have been daydreaming about babies and pregnancy lately. Not that I want more children. I am content and happy with Max and Harper. They complete our family. I am satisfied. But what if?
What if I wanted to have children?
I feel as though infertility has robbed us from even contemplating this question.
Could we even have other children without treatments? We can't afford to spend another $20,000 for a chance at another child.
So we are not having any more children. And although I really am fine with this choice. There are things I will miss. Miss about having babies (because mine are big kids now!). Miss about being pregnant. And I can't help but blame infertility.
After all, it was the beast of infertility that stole a normal conception and the excitement of a no worry pregnancy. I'm not bitter, right?
I'd never ever in a million years take those little humans (that are my life) away. But our family plan has severely been raped by that infertility monster.
No more ultimate safety of babies being in me.
No more flutters in my belly.
No more kicks or stomach contortions.
No more ultrasound pictures.
No more nursery preparation.
No more pre-washing baby clothes.
No more love at first sight at a baby's birth.
No more stumbling in the night to make the bottles.
No more baby smells.
No more infant bathtubs (I loved ours!).
No more coos and first smiles.
No more first anything. (Too dramatic?)
No more growing out of newborn clothes.
No more teeny tiny diapers....and teeny tiny poops! Ha!
No more laying a baby down and the baby being there two seconds later.
No more teeny tiny clothes. Or shoes.
No more warming bottles.
No more bottles.
No more baby food.
No more feeding schedules.
No more BABIES!
It is so sad. It is sad that these two are it for me. But it is also rewarding...in a way. As much as I would love to relive those wonderful firsts, I know that I would miss that at any point. There's no magic number of children that would ever make me content. I'd miss those things at 3 kids, 4 kids or even 5! The truth is that my babies are NOT babies. It is just plain sad.
But because of infertility (yep!), I have my miracles. I blame infertility for a lot. It sucks. I hate it. I hate that we had to walk that path. But I also have to see that through that process and journey...I got Max and Harper.
Infertility gave me all of the above missed experiences and so much more.
We now have a lifetime of happiness ahead of us. Each day brings a first that will be added to my no more list. Whether it is Harper smiling her largest at the prompt of "cheeseburger" or the babbling conversation that happens in our car ride home when asked "How was your day?"
So instead of feeling robbed by infertility. I have chosen the mindset that God has blessed me by giving me the chance to experience motherhood via the path of infertility
As odd as it sounds...thanks infertility?
-Lisa-
Thursday, January 1, 2015
Welcome, 2015!
Any time we start a new year, I think back to when I first started this blog. I started it as part of the new year of 2012. Now three years later, here we are. I have always made some attempt at making resolutions.
My 2014 resolutions were:
"1. Thank God everyday, even when it has been a bad day. Don't just ask for things when I need them. Praise Him.
2. Find a different profession. I need a teaching break and more time at home.
3. Get healthy. Lose weight. Run more.
4. Love more. Find time to spend with Jeremy sans babies.
5. Socialize more. I love Mommy time but need Friend time too!"
My 2014 resolutions were:
"1. Thank God everyday, even when it has been a bad day. Don't just ask for things when I need them. Praise Him.
2. Find a different profession. I need a teaching break and more time at home.
3. Get healthy. Lose weight. Run more.
4. Love more. Find time to spend with Jeremy sans babies.
5. Socialize more. I love Mommy time but need Friend time too!"
Hmmm...I didn't quite meet those but I am going to reuse most of these for 2015.
I am keeping #1. I feel like I slipped up quite a bit. I am ready to get my heart and mind focused on him.
1) Thank God everyday. Don't just ask for things when I need them. Praise Him for what I have and be thankful.
I found a new job where I am happy. It is still a teaching job but much less stress and closer to home. I even picked up an extra teaching job at a university teaching a course for current teachers seeking a Master's in Literacy or undergraduate students seeking an education degree. It was fun! I am teaching 2 courses this semester. Best part is I work from home when the babies are in bed.
Now that I am on thyroid meds and they finally have my levels where they should be, I am ready to lose weight. I got a FitBit for Christmas and start my diet TODAY! Here is to hoping I can lose 50 pounds in 2014.
So...2) Lose weight. Get healthy.
I still need to find the balance of mommydom and the rest of the world.
3) Find time to be a human. This includes socializing with friends, finding a somewhat lost relationship with my husband.
I think these resolutions are doable. I can do this!
Here is our look back over the last year (thanks Flipagram):
God has lots of amazing things planned for us all! I wish you all a very happy 2015! I love fresh starts. I feel like it is clean slate to explore the world without a record, to love with no limits, to conquer (or fail) new adventures. I am excited!
-Lisa-
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