Survivor's Guilt, HUGE NEWS, & Lying by Omission

It has been awhile. In fact, as I write this post...I am still unsure when I will actually get around to posting it. I have been adding bits and pieces for a couple of weeks just waiting for the right time to share it. My last "real" post was WAY back in November and since I started blogging, this is by far the longest break I have taken.

All for good reason.

Let me start off by saying, I am sorry. I am sorry for a lot, actually. I am sorry that I have been hiding from the blog. And I am sorry that I can't make sure that all of you have the amazing news that we were blessed with recently.

The day after Thanksgiving, I went in for what I thought was my CD3 scan. You can remember that bitter post where it was all over right here. The ultrasound tech realized that I hadn't shed my lining so that the bleeding and cramping that I had been experiencing was not ole Aunt Flo after all. They ordered more tests, including  HCG. It came back positive 12dpiui at 45.

We went back 72 hours later and it was 351. We went back 48 hours later and it was 943. My doubling times were crazy. But being the skeptic infertile I am, I waited for the bomb to drop. I was waiting for bad news.

We had a couple of weeks where we went about our days knowing that we might, quite possibly be pregnant. This was and still is a foreign feeling, by the way. Our 6 week, 3 day ultrasound was on December 12. To our utter shock, surprise and elation we saw two amazing sacs with two amazing heartbeats. TWINS! I cried. Jeremy sat with his jaw agape. The sonographer, Sara, cried with me. (She has been with me through all the scans for 3 years.)

We went to sit in the waiting room and both of us were literally shaking. We have NEVER received good news about our family. EVER. We have never felt like this journey would end. We always hoped that it would, but neither of us were ever able to picture a happy ending.

Our angels due August 4, 2013! 

BABY B @ 7w3d

BABY A @ 7w3d

After the overwhelming joy of our blessings, the guilt hit me. Like a ton of bricks. I turned to Jeremy crying on our way home and said, "Why us? There are so many women and men out there waiting for their babies. How did we get two?" Jeremy's response was simply, "It is our time. It will be their time at some point too."

And here is where I start having survivor's guilt. If this works and these two gorgeous babies decide to stick around (Lord, I hope so!), I vow to NEVER become a "fertile". I know the horrible mindset of those pesky fertiles and their disregard for the feelings of us, infertile. I will not be a fertile. I will always and forever be an infertile at heart. I know the struggle. I know the sadness. I know the tears. I know the heartbreak. I will never forget.

I know that some of you are hating my news. Some secretly. Some not so secretly. I have been there. For three and half years, I watched friend after friend get the happy ending I dreamed about. I heard and saw so many blogging friends post bump pictures and pregnancy updates. I would politely post a congratulations but the truth was that I was so jealous of their pregnancies, growing bellies, and baby plans. I wanted it for me. So, I won't make you read my posts anymore if you don't wish to.

I was going to make another blog for the pregnancy. But I can't bring myself to do it. This is my blog. I will try not to throw it in your face because I know that stings. But I will most likely post about my pregnancy experiences mixed in with some infertile rants as well. (I still love ranting!)

I need this blog and quite frankly, need all of you. But I do understand if my news makes it difficult for you. I wish we all could see the end to the long tunnel of infertility.

I hope you join me in this new chapter of our journey. I also hope that you forgive me for keeping this from you all for so long. I didn't know how to approach the news or how to say it. (I probably still ticked some of you off even though I tried not to.) I didn't mean to lie by omission but I needed time to wrap my mind around this all.

I thought worrying was over after the ultrasound. Truth is, worrying has taken on a brand new kind of meaning. I worry more now than I ever have! So I would appreciate any prayers, special thoughts, etc. because I am downright worried and frightened that this awesome news can be taken away from us at any time.

I haven't really told anyone about this news outside our circle of very close friends and family. We are almost 9 weeks and it is still too early to break it to them. I am not making a Facebook announcement, so if you are a Facebook friend and reading this, please hold off on the congratulations there until we are ready.

I am not really showing yet (just a pooch) and have not gained any weight yet. With twins I thought I would be huge from the get-go, but I am not complaining. I have been sick nearly everyday. It is a constant feeling of nausea which is probably why I haven't gained any weight yet. We saw our RE to say goodbye today. We took them a tray of goodies for the staff to all share. They will definitely be missed. At today's appointment, we were 8w5d and Baby A measured 8w4d with 184 bpm and Baby B measured 8w4d with 185 bpm. They are growing so quickly!!

Keep believing and trusting! Don't give up!

-Lisa-

Merry Christmas!!!

It has been  nearly 4 weeks since I last posted! Crazy! So much has happened in four weeks.

I promise that my huge news and long updating post is coming soon.

For now, I want to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!

I wish you all a stress-free next couple of days because I know the holidays are tough.

-Lisa-

Taking a Blogging Break

NaBloPoMo is over after today. I can't say that I am going to miss it. At all.

I will say I have enjoyed beating this challenge. I gave myself a large pat on the back before starting this post. Don't worry.

Today's prompt is "What was the biggest challenge of NaBloPoMo?" Duh--writing every freaking day! I don't have anything interesting to say on a weekly basis let along a daily basis. So thanks to everyone who suffered through the craziness of this month with me. Good news...it is over!

So I have decided that I need a break from writing blog posts. So don't worry when I don't have a post for awhile. However, I will still read your blogs and catch up with your lives and challenges. I look forward to that everyday.

Talk to you all soon!!

-Lisa-

I Love Your Blog!

Only one more day to the weekend! Time to celebrate!

NaBloPoMo wants me to discuss at least three blogs that I have found this year. Well, I have only been blogging 11 months so I found hundreds of blogs this year! I started this blog for my thoughts. I didn't really think anyone would read them (crazy, I know). Let along, did I think I would find such solace in blogging and finding other blogs. I follow about 50 blogs and it can be hard to keep up with all of them, but I do. I love hearing about their stories and love even more the support that we all offer each other.

So let me dedicate this post to all of my blogging friends that I have met along the way.

Infertile women (no matter if they are on the other side or not) are the strongest women people that I know. The women in this infertility blogging community are not only resilient, but hopeful. They are brave and strong but also know when/how to have a good cry. They are supportive without a fault. They are understanding and knowledgeable. They are inspiring and driven. They know what they want and they know how to help others get what they want too. And they are the most gorgeous (I saw video blogs) women on the inside and out.

I could go on and on about the wonderful bloggers out there! You all help me get through this struggle and I can't wait to celebrate all of our successes as we move into Mommy-mode!



-Lisa-

Thanksgiving Sermon Link

I said I would copy a link to the Thanksgiving sermon that I was talking about on Monday. Here is a link to the website and click on the "Give Thanks All the Time" sermon.

http://northsidechristian.org/media.php

Three...more...days!

NaBloPoMo is almost over. As much as I have enjoyed this challenge, I have also dreaded it. With a passion. Hate, actually. I really don't think I am that interesting to have something to say everyday. I was used to posting once maybe twice a week. And to be honest, even then I had nothing interesting to say!

My prompt for today is "What is the worst trip you have taken?"

I love traveling no matter where we are going. Jeremy and I have not had a single bad vacation/trip. Even the trip we took days after recovering from OHSS and a cancelled IVF was amazing. So in order to answer this prompt, I have to go way back to 1993.

My parents bought a timeshare in Branson, MO. For those of you that don't know the country-wonder of Branson, I suggest you google it. No, really do it now. It is the back-woods Vegas. I will admit, present-day Branson is an okay weekend trip. There are shows, theme parks, beautiful views, and their new downtown area.

However, the location is not the reason for Branson 1993 being the worst trip. My parents condo is a two bedroom condo with a pull out couch. It is lovely. We even used it a couple summers ago with some friends. It is fairly large with a patio that opens up to a creek. Really peaceful. Not in 1993. Let's make a run down of my family situation then. I was 10. My brother was 21 and single. My sister was there with her husband. My brother was there with his wife and 1 year old daughter. Then there were also my parents. We had another hotel location so it wasn't too cramped.

Too many different personalities in the mix. Too many ideas for our plans. Embarrassment. Arguments. Too much time spent together. (Yes, there is such a thing.)

I remember many awkward moments of me in the backseat of the car or in the condo listening to bickering of what our plans were or where we were going next, etc.

It was decided that family vacations are a bad idea. In fact, we have yet to all go on a week long vacation with everyone again. And now that family has grown to 16 (soon to be 17 when my niece gets married). So I am thinking another family vaca is out...possibly forever.

-Lisa-

Languages

Well, I was SO right about my students...today was C-R-A-Z-Y! I think they have all lost their minds....or it is a full moon. (Seriously, their behavior changes with the moon cycles. I am not kidding.) I felt like an angry teacher all day long.

As far as NaBloPoMo, it is almost over and here is the prompt for today: "If you could instantly know any language in the world, which one would it be?"

I have never been super interested in learning a new language. Mainly, because I sucked at Spanish. I took Spanish for three years. THREE years. All I can recall are the normal #1-20, hola, adios, amigo, bano, etc. I don't speak or understand Spanish at all.

So, if it is could be instant and easy...I would want to know how to speak Italian. I think the language is romantic, sexy, and exotic. Plus I want to visit Italy really badly. It is in the LONG off future since our money has gone and will go to infertility costs.

C'est la vie...ooo another language! Go me!

-Lisa-