Happy Thanksgiving!

I am easily wrapped up into the suckiness of my life. I focus on our empty nursery down the hall. I focus on our toy-free house. I often complain about our infertility on this blog. I voice frustrations. I get out my frustrations and sadness (especially as of lately).

I don't want you to think that I am a miserably, bitter person. I really don't think that I am. I know that our situation, as well as many of yours, sucks. Infertility does suck. There are so many aspects of infertility that just plain suck.

But so many of us are so fortunate. For the most part, we have an amazing life. We are fortunate enough to go through these treatments and actually plan for a baby. We are going to be SO prepared to have a baby, and way more prepared than the fertile community!

That being said, I want to focus on the many things I am so thankful for.

• God
• My hubster
• My amazingly supportive family
• Our friends (even though fertile) are amazing and so are their children!
• My co-workers and friends at work
• The legacy and lessons my grandparents left me
• Running as a stress relief
• My dogger, Bella, and cat, Lola
• Our home
• Dr. Kim and the staff at KU Med
• Eye liner, without I look like a ghost
• Smart phones, what did I do without it?
• DVR, no more commercials
• Good health
• Wireless Internet
• Warm bed
• Coffee
• Indoor plumbing
• And.....all of YOU! This blog has introduced me to fabulous people. I love reading your blogs and sharing my blog with you. I feel like many of us would be friends in "real life" easily. You have been there through the crap and cheered me on in the good. I am blessed to have "met" all of you!

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! We are off to one of multiple eating frenzies.
-Lisa-

That Time Again...Welcome ICLW

Welcome all ICLWers! I can't believe it is already this time again. The last month has flown by. Last month, we were doing nothing and the plan was to wait until the spring to proceed with adoption or treatment. Shortly after ICLW ended, we decided that while we are waiting, we were going to try a couple IUIs again.

The cycle moved quickly. I responded to meds, which never happens. I ovulated on my own on CD 13, again, never happens. They had to move up the IUI. I immediately had feelings of this not working. I started spotting CD 23, way too early. I think I started to believe the nurse that this could be implantation bleeding. Well, yesterday, CD 24, I realized it was the dreaded Aunt Flo.

So this IUI didn't work. I am waiting to hear back from Dr. Kim's office to determine what now...we are thinking of doing one more IUI next month, if my body allows it that is.

I am also participating in NaBloPoMo this month. It is through BlogHer and I have to post on my blog EVERYDAY in the month of November. This has been quite the challenge for me but I have made it so far. After today, only nine more days of posting. I. Can. Do. It. But feel free to check out the last 20 posts of rambling thoughts in November.

I look forward to following all of your blogs and learning from you. I love ICLW because it gives me the chance to step out and meet others going through this crazy thing called infertility.

Happy Commenting!
-Lisa-

My Path Whether I Like it or Not

First of all, Amanda at Growing Griswolds is PREGNANT! She got an amazing BETA today so I am thrilled for her.

 I was unsure of how to start off this blog post. I don't want it to be a downer because so many great things are still happening. So I thought the best way to start off was with this amazing news. I love hearing about the infertile becoming fertile. It gives me hope for our situation.

Now, for a bit of the downer...Aunt Flo reared her ugly head. The light spotting and cramping yesterday were obviously not implantation bleeding because today is heavy spotting and cramping. It is a crazy early period but it is what it is.

I am so disappointed even though I knew that this cycle didn't feel right. It was easy for us to picture telling our families and friends that we were pregnant. It was easy for us to envision our first ultrasound. I even found myself looking at my belly more than I should.

So, we are faced with what to do now. I think we will try another iui soon...maybe start this cycle if there are no cysts. But the bigger issue is handing it over to God. Because we can do the treatments and we can hope for the baby of OUR dreams...but if God isn't ready for us to be parents (or parents at all) then it isn't going to happen.

I am struggling with the thought of never being a mom. But what if that is what God has planned for us? Is childlessness something Jeremy and I can deal with? We have to decide when we give it up to Him and start living our lives without thinking about infertility.

I have a wonderful friend at work who literally held me and prayed while I sobbed in her arms. I couldn't have made it through the rest of the day without spilling my guts to her. She is such a strong role model for me. She has an amazing faith and love for God. I am so lucky to have her in my life. Somehow, God knew that I needed her in my life at this exact time of my life.

I often just put a smile on my face and tell everyone I am fine. I even lie on here and make it sound like I really am okay with everything. The truth is that I am struggling to see the bigger picture. I have a hard time accepting this path in life as MY path. I don't want to claim this part of my life. But I must.

-Lisa-

A Cluster of Un-awesomeness & Bitterness

Let me start off by saying that I tried to not get my hopes up this cycle. I tried really hard. But then as the two week wait went on, I slowly, deep down had really positive thoughts. I started feeling every twinge and every cramp and thought that this could be it. Jeremy and I started having conversations of what would we do, what would we say, how would we react. I even had dreams I was actually pregnant. Some crazy and wacky, but still got my hopes up.

I have been super crampy the last couple days and started spotting today. Not a lot. Barely there actually. I called the doctor and left a a message on the nurse's line. I know I won't hear back until tomorrow since it is nearly 4:30 central time. I am not new to this cycle game. They are going to tell me not to worry and that it could be implantation spotting. I am CD 23 and 10 days post ovulation, 8 days post iui. I get it, it very well could be.

But what if it isn't? I berate myself for believing in this cycle's dream. I blame myself for getting both of our hopes too high only to start over again.

I heard a talk on bitterness on K-Love a few days ago. A man on there explained bitterness to be a barrier we build around our heart. We put it there to prevent us from feeling. We put it there to prevent our heart from hurting. But God doesn't want us to be bitter. He wants us to feel, even if it hurts. It means we are alive. We learn from those feelings to better ourselves and our relationships. (Keep in mind, this is one man's interpretation.)

I know that I should not try to protect myself but I don't know how else to deal with the emotional roller coaster of infertility. I think we have to build those barriers around our heart because otherwise my heart would have broken into a thousand pieces long ago.

I know that however this cycle turns up, we will march forward. I just wish that we could march forward with a pregnant belly and healthy baby. I pray that these symptoms are just from implantation. The barrier around my heart wasn't as strong this time; my heart is going to break a little.
-Lisa-

God, Christmas, Prayers

Good morning! It is such a beautiful morning in KC today. Wish I was running, but instead I am getting ready to go to church. We haven't been to church in a couple weeks either for our IUI last week or being out of town the previous week. I know that the physical building of the church isn't much to some people. However, being able to sing and worship God every week really does recharge my spirit. I feel like my week goes better when I have taken the time to praise God. It gives me a focus of Him for the rest of the week. I have missed our church friends and am actually so excited to get there!

I also caved and put up some of our Christmas decorations last night. Lola, the evil cat, is in heaven. She loves Christmas. The dangling ornaments, the ribbons on presents, and lights. She has been more pleasant the last 24 hours than she has in months.

Also, say a prayer for my friend, Amanda, over at Growing Griswolds. She is 6dp5dt and has a very strong pink line for pregnancy. Pray that those healthy babies stick and she has a healthy, successful pregnancy.


-Lisa-

Day 17...ugh!

As you know, I am sick of NaBloPoMo. I forgot why I thought this was a good idea. After this post, I will only have 13 more posts. I. Can. Do. This. I am all for accepting challenges and beating them. I don't even think there is a prize for NaBloPoMo but it proves something to myself.

Since I don't have much to share...and they don't give me prompts on the weekends...here is your funny for the day:

Here is your inspirational for the day:

Have a great weekend!
-Lisa-

No Ghosts for This Wuss!

The NaBloPoMo prompt for today is "Would you buy your dream house if the price was right BUT you also were told it was inhabited by ghosts?"

(By the way, I am tiring quickly from having to make a blog post everyday. This NaBloPoMo has definitely challenged me. To be honest, I don't feel like making a post today but I will because I have made it to the half way point and won't give up.)

I have stated before that I am terrified of nearly everything. This includes even the talk of ghosts. I am not necessarily even a believer of ghosts but I still get spooked by the thought of spirits roaming. Let alone have those wayward spirits haunting my home!

So would I buy my dream house? Heck, no! I would rather live in an overly expensive dump of a house than a cheap, haunted dream house. I enjoy sleep and comfort at home. I wouldn't be able to have that if ghosts lived there too!

As for me, I still believe that this progesterone sucks. I took Tylenol (since that is all I can take) to work with me today. Popping those every few hours has helped. I also asked for permission to run or work out. The nurse says it is a no go. They want me to take it easy and not elevate my body temperature or heart rate until we take a HPT next week. I guess it is for the best but the obsessive person inside is dying to run! Here in KC, the weather has been amazing running weather lately. Brisk in the morning and evenings with highs in the 60's. Perfect fall running. Not for this lady. All for the best if this works!

-Lisa-