Mr. Bigglesworth

I have a list of things that I never expected with fertility treatments.

1. That sometimes they don't work...duh!
2. Giving yourself shots is not the worst thing in the world.
3. You cannot control emotions even when you try really hard not to be crazy.
4. You can get really sick and it sucks!
5. YOU CAN LOSE YOUR FREAKING HAIR!!!!!!!!


I have mourned and dealt with #1-4. But that #5 is really ticking me off. We finished IVF drugs and treatment at the start of July. My OHSS has been gone since the middle of July.

So why is my hair still falling out?!

I know that the hormone treatments cause hair loss. However, I am going on three months since the treatments and my hair is still falling out. It is quite significant. Although, it is not coming out in chunks...my hair is falling out by the bushel. (To be honest, I don't know what that means but it seemed to fit.)

My sister (the expert in everything hair) told me that biotin or B-12 supplements could help slow the process. So I have been popping the max limit of B-12 vitamins everyday. Still...hair is falling out. I am hoping I don't end up looking like Mr. Bigglesworth.

 

 

But, seriously, I am to the extremely concerned, starting to panic, worried about it never stopping, going to freak out state of mind. I know Jeremy is sick of finding my hair in everything. I am shedding like a dog EVERYWHERE. I can't even wear my hair down because it creates issues. If someone has any useful tips besides the biotin B-12, let me know please! And hopefully I am not the only IVFer losing my mind over losing my hair.

 

 

-Lisa-

Adoption? Eh?

Jeremy and I are often confronted with other people's views of our little "situation." They mean well. At least I like to think that they mean well. They have advice (although we are aware of how to make a baby), they have diets, they make attempts to help us/guide us. But truth be told...it only comes across as pity/belittling and just down right ticks us off!!

"Oh, really? You had problems getting pregnant too? Only 1 month of Clomid, huh? Wow!"

I really want to JUDGE THEM and tell them that one month on Clomid is hardly infertility! But I don't. I keep those judgmental and harsh opinions to myself.

But in all honesty...we know our family and friends mean well. It's the strangers that irk me. I just met you...I don't want to know how you got pregnant and who you saw. Can you imagine the insanity if everyone just talked to strangers about the way they conceived their children? And the audacity of asking others how they conceived their children?

As crazy as those conversations sound...they really happen. Infertility has made this OK. And is it a double standard that I find it socially acceptable for my IF bloggers to give me advice but I refuse to listen to a single word from the 1 month on Clomid gal? Probably. I am bitter.

"Deal with it, Clomid girl. Try spending $14,000 and giving yourself a bazillion shots!" (For the record, I am NOT this mean. I would never discount others "struggles" even though I see one month as a minor hiccup in the world of IF. It is my bitter opinion. Good for them! I wish it was over for us in months, instead of three years.)

[I feel like I need to stop this rant here and really start writing what I wanted to write today.]

One of the many pieces of advice that people offer to us is the idea of adoption. Adoption is a fabulous thing. I am so glad that there are women brave enough to realize that they cannot give their baby the best life. Those women (and men) should be honored. Their unselfish reasoning leads to so many childless couples completing their families. God bless them!

I often ask friends who have adopted how they came to that decision. How will we know if that is the avenue we take? I can tell you that we aren't there yet. Yes, it is a viable option for us possibly down the road. Right now...we are still wanting our own child. I don't want to be made to feel guilty about that. So many couples don't ever HAVE to make that decision because they have babies that carry their DNA. Jeremy and I are not ready to give up our dream of having our own babies. However, who is to say the plan God has for us? If we come to that bridge, we have no problem crossing it.

We know that the adoption decision is a big one. We don't want to feel pressured into adoption just because we can't have kids. We want to choose adoption because we want to adopt. Right now, neither of us wants to adopt. Give us a few months...we may change our minds. We change our minds often. Heck, we didn't want to do IVF...but we tried...look where that got us?!

So for now...we are not considering adoption and going to continue down this fertility treatment/au natural road. We are still "breaking it up" until May but deep in our hearts praying that this natural supplement route works the best for us.

Also, I didn't mean to discourage advice. We really do know that all of you are supportive...yes, even the strangers that offer their unnecessary advice. We know that everyone means well. Infertility makes me more sensitive than normal...which occasionally makes me accidentally offend others with my brash rants (like this one). Believe me...it is just a rant...

-Lisa-

"Our Movie" in progress...

I am working on creating an infertility bio video. I have seen so many and I want to tell our story through that avenue. So I am working on it. I can't pick between two songs...so I may just add them both to the video. Here are the songs I am torn between (both upbeat a bit because I don't want it to be sad!).

Steven Curtis Chapman "Long Way Home"

Brandi Carlisle "The Story"

Forgiveness

I have always believed that forgiveness is HUGE when trying to walk the Christian path. But it is SO hard to do.

It is so easy for me to harbor those feelings of jealousy, envy, anger, revenge, etc. towards others. I, as a woman, NEVER forget the horrible things that are said or done. I can name specific phrases that were spoken to Jeremy and I when we didn't have children after a year of marriage. I can remember when and where I was when someone disrespected our family. I can remember the overwhelming sadness when a friend didn't say the right thing in addressing our infertility. Heck, I can remember word for word what Jeremy said two months ago that hurt my feelings. So I have quite the problem of letting go and forgiving. I know that holding onto all of those pent up frustrations and emotions is only hurting me. So I have been praying for the ability to forgive.

In my prayers on the way to school today, I realized that I haven't forgiven myself. When it hit me, I was brought to tears and nearly lost my breath. How have I held onto these hateful feelings? How have I held onto blame and fault? All dealing with me!

Maybe some of you won't understand these thoughts and that's good. However, many of us living with infertility, need to start the forgiveness process by first forgiving ourselves.

The truth is...I blame myself. It is MY stupid body that won't cooperate. It is MY fault that we had to waste thousands on IVF. It is MY responsibility that Jeremy is not a dad. If only I was better. If only I would have done this. If only I would have tried this. If only I had chosen a different doctor.

(Yep, those are real thoughts!)

So driving along this morning as I prayed for forgiveness...BAM! Lisa, how can you forgive others if you can't forgive yourself? Word.

Has anyone ever had the experience of forgiving yourself? Where do I start? What do I do? I worry that no matter what I do...I will always know that it is my fault. Even if I forgive myself...the underlying guilt and sadness of our infertility is always going to be there.

I think part of forgiving myself has to be a realization of our situation. It isn't going to change. We will always have infertility even if we get our family one day. It will always be there. We will always have these years spent in the unknowing realm of an infertile couple. So, I accept it. It is what it is. It sucks. But I accept it. All of it.

Now what? I am supposed to magically move on without guilt, blame, jealousy, and anger?

I want to forgive myself and allow myself to move on. It is a slow process as is forgiving others. So as I work through this muddy area of my life, I hope to learn how to forgive. God has shown such grace for me. If He can forgive my sins, it is the least that I can do to forgive others and to start forgiving myself.

As always, prayers are appreciated. I am using this fertility break to really get my mind and heart right with God. This is just one step of many more to come, I am sure.

-Lisa-

Four years and counting...

Jeremy and I are getting ready to celebrate our FOUR YEAR ANNIVERSARY! On Thursday, we will officially be married for four years. We celebrated our anniversary on Saturday and as part of our dinner conversation, we reflected on the last four years.

So in love...

Both of us thought back to 2008. We were just so happy to be married and start our family. We had such hope for our future together. Our lives weren't plagued with the idea of infertility. We didn't worry about hormone levels. We didn't take copious amounts of vitamins. We didn't have to worry about spending all of our money on a shot of having a child. We were just in love.

We have an everyday struggle with the idea that we have to buy our child instead of having a child naturally. Back then, we had no idea the obstacles we would face. However, we would not be as strong without going through infertility. We would not be as concerned for our faith and we wouldn't be as concerned with others without going through infertility. So although we wish we didn't have to suffer through this trial in our life...we know that it has changed us for the better.

We also realized that in the last four years...we have done A LOT! It is easy to just see INFERTILITY as our label. But truth be told, we have had a GREAT four years together as man and wife. So our anniversary dinner conversation didn't focus on "poor, childless us." Instead we reminisced about our amazing adventures we have been on.

We bought our house right before our wedding. We have gradually fixed it up to where the house is now our home.

Our humble abode
















The day we brought her home

We adopted our precious and adorable dog, Bella. She has filled our lives with joy. Really. She may be a dog but she is our baby. She has helped ease the pain of an empty cradle. We really do obsess over her and love her dearly.









We have had the ability to travel and see lots of different places. All not possible if we had children. A blessing for us.

San Diego 2009

Chicago 2009

Seattle 2010



South Dakota 2011

Los Angeles 2009

San Francisco 2009


 

Las Vegas 2012






So although the last four years have been bumpy. I do know that we are both looking forward to what is ahead in our future. We both firmly believe in God and God's plan for us. Wherever he leads us, we will follow. We know that there are many adventures for us in the next SIXTY years or so...we can't wait!

-Lisa-

Supplements, Supplements, Supplements

Here is a quick post about the vitamins/supplements that Jeremy and I are taking. We realize that these supplements are not a "quick fix" to our infertility issues. However, during our long break from treatments, it makes sense for us to try something so we can possibly conceive naturally. (Cross our fingers)

Jeremy's Vitamins

Okay. You will soon see how unfair the dosage is between Jeremy and myself.

 He only takes three vitamins a day. A regular multivitamin that we both take and have taken for a few years now. Just promotes overall health. He also takes two different types of FertilAid supplements. (I am unaware of how expensive these supplements are. We won a year's supply at an infertility conference.) The FertilAid for Men promotes sperm count and motility. It is developed to optimize sperm quality but also has complete vitamin and antioxidant support. He also takes Fertile Detox for women and men (I take this one as well). It is designed to support the body's detoxification system and protect against harmful contaminants. Toxins in the environment can affect menstrual cycle abnormalities and also sperm quality. So this supplements helps neutralize those toxins to promote reproductive health.

Lisa's Vitamins



More of Lisa's Vitamins
 

I take the same multivitamin as Jeremy. But I also take a prenatal vitamin. It is really important to make sure that you take a high level of Folic Acid even when trying to have children so it reduces the risk of premature births and also birth defects. I have been taking a prenatal vitamins for 4 years. I also take three different types of FertilAid supplements. (Again, we won a year's supply at a conference so I am not sure how much these actually cost.) FertilAid for women has a complete vitamin and antioxidant support. It is supposed to promote female hormonal balance and reproductive wellness. I take the same FertileDetox as Jeremy which neutralizes toxins. I also take Fertile CM which increases quantity and quality cervical mucus (sorry TMI). But many fertility issues have to do with this because insufficient fluid or hostile fluid inhibit the transport of sperm to the egg.

I also take three additional supplements that I got from GNC. Vitex is taken twice a day and is costs about $9 for 100 capsules. The Vitex fruit is used to provide balance in the women's cycle. It lengthens the luteal phase which allows for proper implanting of an embryo. Royal Jelly was about $16 for 30 capsules. It comes from worker bees and helps the hormone imbalance. It also promotes good egg growth and quality. DHEA is a hormone that all women and promotes estrogen  in women and testosterone in men.

I would love to hear of other supplements that my infertility bloggers are taking as well. I want to try anything and everything that we can to make the long wait worthwhile to us.

-Lisa-

Updates Galore

So what should I write about on the blog? We are not doing infertility treatments, so I struggle with how I keep the blog going through our seemingly long break.

Here is what has happened since last post: SCHOOL! Ugh! The school year is back and I am back to work. As much as I dread the early mornings and the actual "work" part, I am excited to meet new kids. Even on my worst days as a teacher, I really do love what I do.

One the fertility front: I started taking different supplements. I researched different herbs and vitamins. I now take about 14 pills a day and Jeremy takes 3 (not fair!). I take a few different supplements from FertilAid, Royal Bee Jelly, Vitex, DHEA, prenatal vitamin, and a multivitamin. I have even looked into doing acupuncture treatment. I figure we have done so many medical treatments and prescription drugs that it is time to try the natural/herbal route. Heck, we are taking a break from doctors so I might as well try my own treatments!

On the relationship front: I feel like I have said this a million times but Jeremy is an amazing husband. When I hear stories of husbands not sticking around when their wives can't give them children, it breaks my heart. Mainly because I know what it feels like to have that undying support no matter if I am pregnant or not. If anything, Jeremy has become a better husband in the last three years because we have suffered with infertility. I even think that I have become a better wife. Our four year anniversary is at the end of the month (post to come later about this), and it just makes me feel so blessed to have Jeremy as my partner on this whole infertility journey.

On the weight loss front: I am still working on it. I was bad this week and didn't run as much as I have been. School and prepping for the school year have knocked me on my butt! I have been so exhausted that I get home and don't even have the energy to get off the couch. But I will get back on track and on a new schedule next week. So far, I have lost 45 pounds and have about 10 more to go till I will feel satisfied. The weight came off slowly this summer. That OHSS illness really messed me up!

-Lisa-