My Crazy Anxious Mind

We are day 8 into this IVF cycle and day 6 of shots. Everyone I talk to is so concerned with the shots because it does seem unnatural to give them to yourself. My first injection last Saturday took me 30 minutes to finally give it. But since then, the shots aren't even on my radar of the biggest worries.

I have been a head-case lately. It doesn't help that my hormones are out of control either. I worry about everything! I mean everything. Without giving you a long story...things haven't gone exactly as they were planned in my head. There have been some little hiccups but we are working on sorting everything out with the meds and with my immunity levels. But I mainly worry about if this works or not. Or about running out of a place on my stomach for another shot! I am at four shots a day and the area around my belly button looks like a pin cushion. I worry about my sanity because I feel like I am going completely insane. (Jeremy reminds me that I am crazy to begin with.)

I just love Pinterest!

I know that I shouldn't worry and just let God's Plan work in my life.

I have a GREAT group of girlfriends from high school. Some of us have been close since preschool and others joined our little group in junior high school. Either way, I am still close with all of them.Even with all of my wonderful friends, infertility can make me feel all alone.  We have grown up together and been fortunate enough to see all of life's milestones together. High school and college graduations. First serious relationships. Marriage proposals and wedding preparation.  We’ve gone through all the ups and downs of life together, yet I’ve been unable to accompany them down the path of parenthood. 

It is easy to feel alone when going through everything. During these scary times when I wonder where God is, I understand that He stands right there with me. He’s with me in the good times. He’s with me in the bad times.He’s with me when I pray and tears of wonder and joy stream down my face. He’s with me when my heart hurts so badly that I don’t even want to think about Him, much less call out His Name. He’s been with me every time a doctor gives another diagnosis or bad report. He’s with me in disappointment. He’s with me in times of ridiculous joy.  

So my goal for the next couple of weeks is to get the picture of how it is supposed to be out of my head. So I can stop worrying and pray to God more. He has worked miracles in my life and I know he will continue to do so.

-Lisa-

Shots, Shots, Shots, Shots, Shots, Shots, Shots

Whenever Jeremy and I talk about the stimulant injections that I will have to do for our IVF cycle, we always break out in song. LMFAO has a song all about drinking and taking shots. (I attached a video of some people dancing just to the chorus to save you from having to listen to the whole song which really isn't that great.)

(BTW...Jeremy and I fully understand that we are complete nerds.)

This song has been in my head ALL morning long. Why? Because I received my large, Styrofoam cooler filled with shots, shots, shots, shots, shots. I never thought I would be excited about getting dozens of needles and vials. But I am. Not because I am a sadist but because we are ready to start this.

I go to the doctor tomorrow and if everything goes well, I start the injections. Right now I am super excited...talk to me in a week and I am sure I will not be as thrilled.

Just a plain cooler to most but inside it holds our hope for our dreams coming true. (Too corny? Yep.)

There is all of the goods inside...

YOWZA! Holy needles!

Just in case you didn't see enough.

So...we have been talking about IVF for awhile and now it is finally here. We have been popping vitamins and hormone pills for a month and now we finally get to start the "real deal." Woo-Hoo! As always, prayers are appreciated. Thanks so much for your support!

-Lisa-

Onward!

Well...I haven't written in awhile. I try to keep my blog posts positive and although I address the desperation that comes with infertility, I try my best to still be optimistic. However, I have had a hard time being the bubbly rainbows and puppies kind of writer lately. So don't be alarmed if this isn't all wrapped up in a nice neat bow this time.

Some positives since I wrote last....I am on SUMMER BREAK! I have been off for a whole week now and it feels amazing. I have had the chance to see my mom and family more in the last week than I have seen them in the last few months added all together. I am looking forward to having the next two months off. Although some days I am sure I will be bored, it is still great to get the relaxation time. I also have lost a total of 37 pounds. I really wanted to lose 50 pounds before starting fertility treatments but I feel good about 37. I am in sizes that I haven't been in since 2006. Consequently, I have had a few shopping trips. I don't have too many clothes that fit but I am fine with that problem!

Many of you know that our IVF treatments are taking over my summer. I started the beginning of treatment at the beginning of May. Now, we are getting down to the scary treatments. When I get my shipment of meds, I will post a picture. It is is insane! The meds alone cost $4000! It isn't natural to give yourself shots. Even scarier, there are shots that Jeremy has to give me as well. Many people on the outside looking in would suggest another method. They don't get it. They don't understand why I would put my body and mind through this. They don't understand why we would want to gamble $13,000 on a 51% chance that we have a family in the end.

I am not worried about the shots. I am not worried about the money. I worry about the strong possibility that at the end of the summer...we are not pregnant. We are investing our entire life in this one shot. We are going to get our hopes up. We are going to expect this to work. But a strong feeling in the very depths of my soul worries about failure. How will we move on from this? How will we survive the disappointment? God's plan and will are in full effect. So I know that if His plan doesn't involve our own children, we will be fine. However, the thoughts still keep me up at night and still terrify me.

I won't post specifics of the process. In fact, I might not post much during the process. It is too much information for most lay people. Instead I have an IVF community forum online where there are 25 of us going through everything at around the same time. But I would appreciate your continued prayers for Jeremy and I. However this cycle turns out, we will need our family and friends to be there for us.

-Lisa-