Doctor Visit From You Know Where

I met with Dr. Kim today. I went by myself right after work. Jeremy and I talked ahead of time and like we shouldn't do...planned out our next step of fertility drugs. I had it set in my mind exactly what I would ask, what I would suggest, and what our plan was.

Boy...did all of that go out the window quick. It was an emotional doctor's visit to say the least. I am an emotional person to begin with and add a few life-altering thoughts and I might spontaneously combust. Dr. Kim said something like this, "Well, Lisa, we need to reevaluate our plan. I strongly recommend we try IVF (for those that don't know, in-vitro fertilization) instead of wasting time and money on another insemination. You are at the point in this process where we are just wasting time on IUI (intra-uterine insemination). Last year, I wasn't worried about you because on paper you and Jeremy look very healthy. But, I am concerned and think we need to switch up your plan."

My questions, suggestions and plan seemed to be a butterfly floating away slowly. My mind raced and tears welled in my eyes. Dr. Kim kept talking but it was like I was having an out of body experience. IVF wasn't a part of my plan. Our plan. And why is he concerned? What is wrong?

You know when you are trying to hold back tears but also trying to talk? It comes out as blubbering. You come across as an idiot. Well, that was me. I sobbed while trying to explain how I wanted something to be wrong so bad so he could fix it. I am sick and tired of being "normal" but no closer to being a Mom. I wanted to give up but at the same time just spend our life's savings on this new plan of his.

Talking to Jeremy seemed to ease my mind a bit. He is the rational one. I know that is a HUGE shocker to those that know us (insert sarcasm here)! Together we will make the right choice for us. We have a lot to discuss but the rational me who wanted to just stop after the next IUI is starting to see that IVF may not be so bad. Yes, it is more expensive but the success rate is about 40% higher than IUI.

So I again, am asking for prayers. Prayers that we make the right choice for us and that God will show us the right path to take. I know I have talked about the path of infertility before and am anxious to see where this fork in the road leads.

-Lisa-

Not Knowing...But SO GREAT

How boring would life be if we could see exactly what was going to happen to us? No, really...Most days, I admit, I wish I knew exactly how everything was going to pan out. Especially when it comes to seeing our family. But isn't that boring?

If I knew all of the things that would happen to me in life before they actually happened, what do I have to look forward to? I would have never had the experiences I have had or taken the risks that I have taken. I would have never LIVED life to the fullest because I would just sit around waiting for the inevitable events in my story.

Instead, we get to live our life. Sometimes we go into a situation blind and sometimes we go into a situation with little information. It is life's little surprises that make life exciting and worth living.

Imagine if I knew this...
 OK, Lisa...you are going to graduate from UMKC and be a teacher. (I would've never struggled to find my niche or gone to UNL.) You will meet a man named Jeremy and you will get married. (I would have never fallen in love with anyone else or found out what works and doesn't work in relationships.)

Why take risks in life? Why make plans? Why do anything?

I do have a point to my rambling. I don't know what is going to happen next year. I don't know what is going to happen next month or next week...heck, I don't know what is going to happen in the next minute! And truthfully, I don't want to know. God doesn't want me to know either.

So whatever we are going through is part of the plan. We don't know what is going to be around the next twist or turn in life. But that is part of the journey. It kind of makes me a bit more excited for what is to come. Of course, I am curious but I will look back and be SO glad that I didn't know what comes next.

-Lisa-

Here We Go Again (But with Hesitations)

Just a quick post today.

I finally made a decision. We are going to do another IUI cycle in June. I am not looking forward to it, though. The stress and strain that my body is going to go through is not pleasant. The emotional roller coaster that I will be put on mixed with the task of needles, lots of needles, mixed with the fear of another failure will have me going completely insane. However, there is that glimmer of hope that this will be the one...the one that brings the infertility chapter of my life to a close. Jeremy is very optimistic about the upcoming cycle. I can't help but be reserved and realistic.

I am not scared of it NOT working...I am more terrified that it will work and we suffer another loss. By far the hardest part of this journey has been losing pregnancies. I know some people believe that life is not life until birth...I, however, grieve the life that didn't make it to birth. It was life to us.

So many couples and women experience a miscarriage. It seems to be such an easy thing for outsiders who haven't ever dealt with losing a pregnancy. Yes, we haven't met the baby. Yes, we haven't named the baby. And yes, in some cases never even knew we were pregnant before the baby was gone. But it doesn't change the fact that it hurts. It hurts to know that you were so close to your family dream. We question what we could have done differently that would have allowed that being to thrive and grow inside of us. We question God and wonder what His plan is for us.

I know that if we are going to do this next cycle, I have to change my fears and become more optimistic. I have to pray and put my faith in God. This is easier said than done for a control-worrier like me. So I appreciate your prayers as we embark on this new journey again. The end of June I will surely need some extra thoughts and so will Jeremy because he has to deal with the hormone mess that I will become!

-Lisa-