Guilty on Bedrest

I have wanted this for SO long!

I have wanted to feel life inside of my belly...and I can. They don't have large movements anymore because I imagine it is pretty cramped in there now. But I can feel them.

I have wanted to be a mom more than anything.

This is why I feel so horrible having these feelings...

I AM MISERABLE! I am so large and so uncomfortable. Carrying around this belly is no easy fete. I have now officially gained 55 pounds!!!! Nobody tells you that the end of pregnancy really isn't fun. Every time I move, I have pain or pressure. I don't sleep more than two hours at a time either because of contractions, getting up to pee, being so HOT, or just plain uncomfortable!

I want these babies out of here! I know that it is early but I sometimes have these feelings that they need to be evicted. I want the best for them I really do. But on the other hand, it would be great to not be pregnant anymore AND I want to meet them!!

Ok...I am glad I got that off my chest.

Now I feel guilty. The truth is...I would never in a million years wish away these pains and discomfort. I would rather feel these pains for another year than to go through the pain of fertility treatments again. That is why I feel guilty complaining. I know the pain of the unknown and it is MUCH worse than the pain of these last week(s) of pregnancy.

I am 33 weeks now. I have made it nearly two weeks past the pre-term labor scare! I had another scare last Thursday where I was back in Labor & Delivery. The contractions got under control and I was able to go back to bedresting.

33weeks 2 days

On Saturday, we are 34 weeks and they won't try to stop labor. I just know that with all of the drama that Max and Harper have created...they will now want their mommy to wait another few weeks. Induction or C-section will be at 37 weeks but I am really hoping to go into labor anytime after Saturday. The sooner the better. I can hardly wait to hold them in my arms.

Their nursery is ready. Our house is ready. Their clothes and blankets are washed. Items are purchased. WE ARE READY! Come on babies!

-Lisa-

Baby Showers Oh My!

Baby showers are a very normal step in the process of preparing for a first baby (or babies in our case). However, for an infertile...baby showers have always been such painful experiences. Granted, I have always been happy for my friends who now have beautiful children. But a shower was one of those occasions where my desire for children was thrown in my face.

It was so hard to sit through the games, the tiny décor, and the adorable baby items. Luckily, the cake seemed to take some of the sting away!

There were times that I backed out of baby showers because of the overwhelming sadness. There were times that I slipped out early.

BUT...for once these were showers for OUR babies! It didn't make it any less emotional for me though. My first shower was with Jeremy's family, my family, and family friends. My sister, sister-in-law, mother-in-law, and mom all helped throw the shower.

My sister & me

With my mom

Write on a diaper and feed the piggy banks

The adorable cake!

The mints

The setup

The Loot

My sister, me, my mom

My sis, me, Mom, my sister-in-law 

It was such a great day! I held it together while at the shower but on my drive home...I lost it. I think it hit me that I just had a baby shower...for me! I spent years thinking (and believing) that I would never be pregnant, that I would never be a mom, that I would never have a baby shower. I bawled like a baby all the way home. I literally sobbed. I could have blamed it on the pregnancy hormones but the truth was...I was so happy that I didn't know how else to react to the generosity and support of the lovely ladies that were there with me.

My friends threw me my next shower. It was equally as emotional but again I kept my composure. I have been to their baby showers to celebrate their beautiful babies and they have been SO supportive through our entire process. They cried with me, prayed with me, and always found a way to make me forget about our lack of children even if for a brief time. They are the greatest friends EVER!

Great food!!

So great to hang out with friends!

The Loot!

We are missing one great friend who left but here are my friends for life! Many we have been friends for our whole lives!

The beautiful moms that have raised us and have also been 2nd moms to me!

My camper Alicia and her baby

Jeremy's work also gave us a shower but I don't have many pictures of the event! My work collected money for a gift card.

Moral to this story...we are BLESSED! So many people have supported us and still support us as we embark on this new journey called parenthood. I LOVED every bit of every shower.

-Lisa-

Twins Stroller (Baby Jogger City Select)

I figured while I am on bedrest and not able to do much of anything...I might as well catch up on the blog. So you will most likely see more posts that I have been meaning to do for weeks and haven't found the time.

My mom bought us the most BA stroller ever. It got great reviews on the twins blogs that I read and it is just awesome! It is a Baby Jogger City Select. It comes with the attachments for a double seat and also holds two infant seats.

We don't have the regular seats attached since we will be using the infant seats exclusively for awhile. Here is our stroller with the two infant seats (we have Britax infant seats but they work with BabyJogger).

Sorry for the mess in the picture. Our basement is where we are keeping baby stuff we don't know what to do with yet.

This stroller has so many options. Here are some pictures to show all of the different possible combinations.

With the seats that we have to add when finished with the infant seats.

 

It also folds up really easily.

We (by we, I mean Jeremy) is taking our infant seats and bases to get inspected and installed tomorrow. The doctor said I could still drive myself to my doctor's appointments and even attend my baby shower on Wednesday as long as I was sitting.

 

I am hoping I start to feel normal soon. The "mag bag" has completely made my body feel like I have ran a marathon. My belly is sore, my legs are sore, I am having a hard time taking deep breaths. So I am really hoping that in a couple of days the magnesium sulfate has worn off and I can go back to feeling somewhat normal.

 

This bedrest thing is going to be really difficult for me.  I am used to getting things done and not just sitting around. But I will! I want Maxwell and Harper to be healthy when they are born and if that means I am miserable for another couple of weeks...I will happily do it for them!

 

-Lisa-

1st L & D Visit

We had our scheduled hospital visit set up for Monday. Babies wanted us to get the FULL experience before that.

I had my regular OB appointment on Wednesday. I had been showing signs for pre-term labor for a few days but on Wednesday the contractions that were low menstrual like cramps started. I just laid around all Wednesday until my appointment around 3pm.

At the appointment, Dr. Abney was concerned with the amount of contractions I was having so checked my cervix. I was dilated to a 1.5-2. She said I had to go over to Labor and Delivery and get hooked up to the monitors for a  bit. I called Jeremy to leave work and they brought over a wheelchair to wheel me over to the hospital portion.

Once at L & D, they had me put on the many belts to monitor babies. About an hour into monitoring, they checked my cervix again. I was then a 2.5-3 cm. The doctor from Abney's practice started going over the protocol with me. Our hospital can only deliver babies starting at 34 weeks because they are a level 2 NICU. I had to be transferred from St. Lukes Northland to the larger St Lukes about 20 minutes from our house.

From that news, everything moved so quickly. I received my first of two steroid shots for the babies' lungs. I had a catheter started. My very first one ever and it sucked! I had an IV started with a Magnesium drip. This would also become a nemesis of mine.

They warned me that I would be traveling by ambulance with lights and sirens but to not panic. It seemed like within minutes I was on the stretcher and on my way. Jeremy followed nervously behind. Both of us were so concerned about Max and Harper that I think we were in deep shock that this was really happening.

All the way to the hospital, I had hard and strong contractions. My worries were running away with me. Once at St Lukes, the L&D nurses and doctors just surrounded me and made us feel so comforted and supported. They started with the fact that babies would be fine even if they did make an early appearance. That eased our minds some. I had some awful exams that hurt like crazy. The doctor could feel Max's head and it was his head that is resting on my cervix. I was still at 3cm. No growth, which was good.

The magnesium IV was to stop all contractions. It did its job wonderfully. However, in the process it really does make you feel like a monster. All of my muscles stopped working, not just the uterus. I was nauseous, delusional, and just felt awful. The weirdness of the catheter just added to this as well. I wasn't allowed to leave the hospital bed. I was on restriction of fluids because the fluid can build up in the lungs while on magnesium or the nurses called the "mag bag." So ice chips every few hours was how I quenched my MEGA thirst.

Because I was nauseous, no food for awhile either! I didn't get to have a meal until noon on Thursday. It was probably the best food I have ever tasted! Plus I got to have my first fluids as well! Woo-hoo!

Thursday night I got the second of the steroid shots for the babies' lungs. I was literally in countdown mode to getting the mag bag taken off. They would only have me on the mag bag for 24 hours after the second shot. So 5pm Friday was my D-Day.

Friday was a long day but a long day without contractions. Labor had nearly stopped and babies were doing wonderfully. I think I received about 3 hours of sleep the entire time I was at the hospital in three nights. They were constantly checking me or fixing the monitors. It was so uncomfortable.

Friday night was the greatest! The mag bag came off. The catheter came out. I needed help to and from the restroom because my muscles were so jelly-like but I could use a real toilet and they gave me a giant mug filled with iced water!!

Saturday the doctors came in thrilled with the progress. I was a 3cm still. No contractions at all. The only little hiccup is that my oxygen levels dropped while I was sleeping which causes babies' heart rates to drop a bit. No huge worry since they caught me sleeping on my back which is a no-no. Around 3pm Saturday, they decided we could GO HOME!!

Going home meant that I would still have to continue this bed rest but from the comfort of my own home. I will take it. I am exhausted and humbled by the experience. I am so glad that I have a chance to bake Maxwell and Harper a little longer. I know these extra two weeks will make them stronger and healthier.

So...now I rest...in bed...until they arrive. What a week?!

-Lisa-

Countdown to Babies To-do List

School is out for summer!! And for me, school is out until October 1 when I go back after maternity leave. I though I would feel more relaxed...but I don't. I have created a to-do list that is a mile long. I want everything on the list completed before the babies arrive.

(On a side note about Max and Harper's arrival. I have a strong feeling they will be here by 35 weeks.  I am having an increase in contractions as well as some other more disgusting things that are signs of getting closer to labor! Holy cow! For their health they really need to stay in until 35 weeks. Which is 3.5 weeks away!!!)

I have had three of my four baby showers. I plan on making a separate post with pictures but have been super lazy in getting the pictures off my camera. I will hopefully do this soon. We received SO MUCH stuff! We feel so blessed that so many people support us and love our babies. But more on that later...here is my list:

1. Clean out from under the guest bathroom sink to make room for baby bath stuff.

2. Move our master bedroom around to accommodate the double bassinet.

3. Wash all baby clothes, sheets, blankets.

4. Sort clothes into tubs by size for storage.

5. Clean out and organize attic to make room for baby storage.

6. Clean out garage and create storage for babies.

7. Clean out the basement which has been the hub for everything baby.

8. Clear out kitchen cabinet for bottles and such.

9. Clear out space in pantry for formula.

10. Get infant seats inspected and professionally installed at the fire station.

11. Pack hospital bag!

12. Install more shelves in laundry room.

13. Get new faucets installed in kitchen and bathrooms.

14. Fix our light switch in master bedroom.

15. Start filling out baby books.

16. Purchase items off registry that we still need.

17. Write thank you cards.

18. Find a pediatrician.


So...I better get busy because just typing it all out gives me anxiety. I know I am probably still missing critical things that should be done before their arrival and that keeps me up at night (as well as their movement and pains).

I hope to make a shower post soon!

-Lisa-

Thoughts on Mother's Day

Mother's Day has always been a dreaded holiday. I love my Mom so I just focused on showering her with love and avoided the thoughts that I may never be a mother myself. It was too painful to imagine.

So, although, this year is different as we await the arrival of Max and Harper...I still hold a special place in my heart for the many friends that are sad today. I pray for you today and always.


"A mother is not defined by the number of children she can see, but by the love she holds in your heart."

-Lisa-

28 Weeks & Thank God for Crafty Friends!

Well, I am 28 weeks pregnant! Crazy talk, I know! The babies are still vertex and seem to have dropped lower. My hips and back are starting to hurt but I just know that means they are getting ready for their departure. I only hope they wait awhile. They are too tiny now. I want to get them to at least 5 pounds before they meet the world.

This was my bump last week (27 weeks). I don't think I am bigger but my belly now hangs lower.

My ankles swell at the end of the day. I thought I had cankles before but now they have become epic in size! My wedding ring has to come off at the end of the day until the swelling goes down by morning. I know there will come a time when the ring will have to be taken off entirely. This is hard for me since I love wearing my ring and never take it off.

The nursery is nearly complete. We hung the last of the antiques last weekend. I found two antique shelves at an antique store that are painted in a yellowish hue. They go well in the room. They are recent purchases. However, I found this old window about 3 years ago. It was painted yellow and the glass had the blue flowers painted on it. At the time, I envisioned stripping the paint off and painting a different color. I admit that after I cleaned it up, I rather like the window just the way I found it. It goes with the room. Jeremy had a heck of a time getting it anchored securely to the wall. It hangs above our changing table with one of the shelves.

 

I don't have my first baby shower until Memorial Day weekend. However, many good friends and family have been busy crafting, quilting, and making beautiful gifts for Max and Harper. I wish I had an ounce of their abilities. My poor children have a mother who is lacking in that artistic skill. My student teacher from last year (who gets to work at our school next year!! YAY!) made these amazing hats. They match our nursery exactly. I cannot wait to have the twins pose in these hats. It may be their first newborn pictures!

My 12 year old niece made Max and Harper cute blankets. I love how soft they are. Max has the sock monkeys and Harper has the bright, cheerful turtles and elephants. I love them!! Plus, my niece is going to be an amazing babysitter.

 

I have mentioned many times how great this infertility community has been. I have met women who I genuinely care about even though we have never met. It is crazy how you can develop a friendship and companionship without ever really knowing them. One of these many bloggers is a sweet and caring gal who is one of the most upbeat supportive people. She is had a heck of a time dealing with her infertility and I pray for her often. She has decided to make quilts for the babies of infertiles. I nearly cried when I received these in the mail. I LOVE them!

It could be now anywhere between 6 weeks and 9 weeks that Max and Harper are in our arms! I am so excited!

-Lisa-