Thank You, Infertility!

I daydream. I always have. Sometimes Jeremy says that is me just being ridiculous and worrying about the stuff that no one worries about. Sometimes he is right. But other times my daydreaming really is valid.

I have been daydreaming about babies and pregnancy lately. Not that I want more children. I am content and happy with Max and Harper. They complete our family. I am satisfied. But what if?

What if I wanted to have children?

I feel as though infertility has robbed us from even contemplating this question.

Could we even have other children without treatments? We can't afford to spend another $20,000 for a chance at another child.

So we are not having any more children. And although I really am fine with this choice. There are things I will miss. Miss about having babies (because mine are big kids now!). Miss about being pregnant. And I can't help but blame infertility.

After all,  it was the beast of infertility that stole a normal conception and the excitement of a no worry pregnancy. I'm not bitter,  right?

I'd never ever in a million years take those little humans (that are my life) away. But our family plan has severely been raped by that infertility monster.



No more ultimate safety of babies being in me.
No more flutters in my belly.
No more kicks or stomach contortions.
No more ultrasound pictures.
No more nursery preparation.
No more pre-washing baby clothes.
No more love at first sight at a baby's birth.
No more stumbling in the night to make the bottles.
No more baby smells.
No more infant bathtubs (I loved ours!).
No more coos and first smiles.
No more first anything. (Too dramatic?)
No more growing out of newborn clothes.
No more teeny tiny diapers....and teeny tiny poops! Ha!
No more laying a baby down and the baby being there two seconds later.
No more teeny tiny clothes. Or shoes.
No more warming bottles.
No more bottles.
No more baby food.
No more feeding schedules.
No more BABIES!


It is so sad. It is sad that these two are it for me. But it is also rewarding...in a way. As much as I would love to relive those wonderful firsts, I know that I would miss that at any point. There's no magic number of children that would ever make me content. I'd miss those things at 3 kids, 4 kids or even 5! The truth is that my babies are NOT babies. It is just plain sad.


But because of infertility (yep!), I have my miracles. I blame infertility for a lot. It sucks. I hate it. I hate that we had to walk that path. But I also have to see that through that process and journey...I got Max and Harper.


Infertility gave me all of the above missed experiences and so much more.


We now have a lifetime of happiness ahead of us. Each day brings a first that will be added to my no more list. Whether it is Harper smiling her largest at the prompt of "cheeseburger" or the babbling conversation that happens in our car ride home when asked "How was your day?"


So instead of feeling robbed by infertility. I have chosen the mindset that God has blessed me by giving me the chance to experience motherhood via the path of infertility


As odd as it sounds...thanks infertility?


-Lisa-

Welcome, 2015!

Any time we start a new year, I think back to when I first started this blog. I started it as part of the new year of 2012. Now three years later, here we are. I have always made some attempt at making resolutions.

My 2014 resolutions were:
"1. Thank God everyday, even when it has been a bad day. Don't just ask for things when I need them. Praise Him.
2. Find a different profession. I need a teaching break and more time at home.
3. Get healthy. Lose weight. Run more.
4. Love more. Find time to spend with Jeremy sans babies.
5. Socialize more. I love Mommy time but need Friend time too!"

Hmmm...I didn't quite meet those but I am going to reuse most of these for 2015.

I am keeping #1. I feel like I slipped up quite a bit. I am ready to get my heart and mind focused on him. 

1) Thank God everyday. Don't just ask for things when I need them. Praise Him for what I have and be thankful.

I found a new job where I am happy. It is still a teaching job but much less stress and closer to home. I even picked up an extra teaching job at a university teaching a course for current teachers seeking a Master's in Literacy or undergraduate students seeking an education degree. It was fun! I am teaching 2 courses this semester. Best part is I work from home when the babies are in bed. 

Now that I am on thyroid meds and they finally have my levels where they should be, I am ready to lose weight. I got a FitBit for Christmas and start my diet TODAY! Here is to hoping I can lose 50 pounds in 2014. 

So...2) Lose weight. Get healthy.

I still need to find the balance of mommydom and the rest of the world. 

3) Find time to be a human. This includes socializing with friends, finding a somewhat lost relationship with my husband. 

I think these resolutions are doable. I can do this!

Here is our look back over the last year (thanks Flipagram):

God has lots of amazing things planned for us all! I wish you all a very happy 2015! I love fresh starts. I feel like it is clean slate to explore the world without a record, to love with no limits, to conquer (or fail) new adventures. I am excited! 

-Lisa-