I ask my sixth and seventh graders to answer this in a writing prompt every year. However, I never really have thought about my answers. Yes, I have the blanket responses that nearly every person has for this question. But I am going to try and push myself. So...what am I scared of...
1. Bugs. Mainly grasshoppers. I love running on this shady trail in the woods. However, grasshoppers the size of my palm jump straight into me which scares the crap out of me. I have literally made a fool of myself by jumping out of their path while other runners look on in bewilderment.
2. Losing. I don't just mean in a game of Monopoly...although I really hate losing. I mean losing people. Some of the hardest times in my life have been saying goodbye. I have lost friendships, relationships, and loved ones. All of them have sucked...big time! I am terrified of losing anyone else that I love dearly.
3. Bad decisions. I am so worried that I am going to make the wrong decision in the course of life. I am constantly wondering about the what-ifs and the should-haves. That one bad decision could turn my life or someone else's life upside down.
4. Disappointment. Just like when I was a child...I hate to disappoint. I still worry about disappointing people. I hated when my parents didn't yell at me...it was so much worse to hear "I am just disappointed." I even try to pull that with my middle school students but I don't think they mind too much! I don't want to disappoint Jeremy, my friends, my family, my boss, and most importantly...GOD! I have a feeling I do disappoint all of these at some point...but it still scares me a bit.
5. Future. The future is a scary territory. I don't know what is coming around the next turn. That's scary. I need a script and directions. Too bad God didn't want it to be that way!
I am sure there are more that I could add but here is my biggest fear of the moment:
6. Childless. I have this underlying, eat-at-you, never goes away, horrible fear of never having children. I have a fear that I will never experience that unconditional love between a mother and child. It is scary to think that my life will never involve soccer practices, birthday parties, diapers, baby smell, graduations, first days of school, toys littering our house, sweet precious baby clothes...I could go on and on...I often try and wonder how Jeremy and I will cope if we never have children. And the truth is I don't think we can. It will be the most heartbreaking, unfixable problem of our lives. For now, we struggle with IF...but what happens when nothing works? What happens when our funds are gone and we can't adopt? What happens? It is by far the most scary thing!
So...what really scares you?
-Lisa-
I have to completely agree with everything on your list! I think also that motherlessness is by far the worst. BTW, what an awesome activity to do with your students!!
ReplyDeleteI am scared of never being good enough, and of not finding someone who will love me unconditionally...willing to accept ALL of my flaws. I am also scared of me outliving my kids. I pray that I will live to see all of the sacrifices I have made as their mother to help ensure that they become successful adult women come to fruition. Those are the things that scare me the most.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your transparency Lisa...I miss you :-(
ReplyDeleteI think #6 is probably my biggest fear right about now. After our third failed transfer this fear hit me like a brick. What if it never works? How many IVFs do I need to go through before it becomes too much.
ReplyDelete#6 is my biggest fear as well. I have other fears...rational ones and not. But #6, that takes my breath away. And makes me feel so helpless. And if I let my mind wander further...I fear that the last 3 years of IF/adoption obstacles means we're not supposed to have kids and if we keep pushing forward, something even more terrible will happen. But I don't know what "more terrible" is.
ReplyDeleteI bet your students' answers are super interesting. You should write a book that compiles their work...a glimpse into middle school fears.
Here from ICLW - childlessness too is one of my biggest fears. I think the only thing that would trump it at the moment would be losing my hasband or someone else just as close to me.
ReplyDeleteHi Lisa. I just found your blog and am now following your journey. I think we all have the childless fear. It's a very scary thought. I hope that your prayers are answered soon.
ReplyDelete