Are We There Yet?

I am over 36 weeks now! And...HUGE! I had only gained 55 pounds until last week when I gained 14 pounds of fluid in one week! Now I am a swollen, Michelin man-like preggo! Luckily I am back on bed rest because if I went out in public, I would be a spectacle. People just stop and stare at my largeness.

I have to remind myself that there are TWO over six-pound human beings in there! However, this post is going to be an honest post about what it is really like carrying twins. Although, I am truly ELATED over the impending births...carrying twins is not easy.

I don't want you to think I would take any of this away.

I had such an easy pregnancy up until the pre-term scare at 31 and a half weeks. Since then, I think I and everyone else has expected these babies to appear earlier than expected.

Bed rest has really sucked. I was on strict bed rest from 31.5 weeks-34.5 weeks. Then I was doing great! I was able to get out of the house. Clean the house, do the laundry, etc. Last Tuesday, that all stopped again.

I felt so nauseous and dizzy on Tuesday. I ran to CVS and checked my blood pressure. It was really high! I called Labor & Delivery and they had me come in. They were extremely concerned about pre-eclampsia. However, they got my bp under control, lab work came back okay, and there was just a trace of protein in my urine. What did happen Tuesday night...I dilated from a 4cm to a 5cm! I thought for sure I was going to go into labor or they would keep me to induce. NOPE! I was sent home.

I had a scheduled appointment the next day. This is where we found out the 14 pounds of fluid gain. I still had high blood pressure so was escorted to L & D again! Again, bp slowly went down with resting on my left side. More lab work was done and came back okay. I had to schedule another appointment for Friday.

Friday came and surprise, surprise...I had protein in urine and high blood pressure! L & D...here I come (again!). I was there for most of the morning. They mentioned a 24 hour urine collection that could help them make the decision whether to induce right away or wait a bit.

Throughout the 24 hour collection on Friday, Jeremy kept begging for protein so we could get this show on the road. However, on Saturday's visit to L & D (again), there was just below what was needed to be considered severe enough to induce labor.

I do not have pre-eclampsia (which is good) but I am on modified bed rest for gestational hypertension. I have to monitor bp, protein in urine, and fluid gain. I still get wicked headaches, dizziness, and nausea but as long as it doesn't get worse...I am okay.

So the last week has pretty much made me more miserable than I was before. I literally have cried every night just praying to not be pregnant anymore.

1. It hurts to move. Either the belly is sore or the pelvic pressure is so bad.
2. I have to pee every 30 minutes thanks to the babies dropping.
3. Sleep. What is that? I sleep at max 40 minutes at a time.
4. Headaches. Awful headaches like I have never had before.
5. Anxiety. I have no idea when they are coming or how...the fear of the unknown scares me.
6. Disgusting things like: hemorrhoids, mucus plugs, etc.

All worth it to see those babes in a week or two!

Doctor is supposed to schedule the induction date when I go in on Wednesday. I am hoping she takes the specialist's advice and induces me this coming weekend. We shall see!

-Lisa-

The State of My Cervix & Baby Poll

I thought for sure that with the twins throwing me into pre-term labor that it meant they would definitely deliver sooner rather than later.

I am thinking that is false.

I have been having contractions (about 2-3 an hour) and my cervix hasn't budged. I am still 3cm dilated and 80% effaced. Those are the same measures as last Thursday.

I have heard that the "mag bag" can really halt the cervix from changing. So now my bed rest days are filled with panic as I envision having to carry these heavy babies for 4 more weeks! Dr. Abney will not induce me until 38 weeks.

On one hand, I know how awesomely healthy Maxwell and Harper will be if they wait till 37 or 38 weeks. On the other hand, I know how extremely miserable the next few weeks will be!

My belly is so heavy. I was taken off of strict bed rest (Woo-hoo!) and placed on moderate bed rest which means I can at least stand or walk a bit more. However, anytime I stand or walk the immense amount of pelvic pressure tells me to sit down.

So...we wait. Jeremy reminded me last night how long we have waited for these precious babies. This month marks 4 years that we have tried for a family. If we can wait 4 years...we can surely wait 4 more weeks. Yes, I may be uncomfortable and at times it may be unbearable, but they are coming. We will get to hold them in our arms. I am just so darn impatient!

Also, my blog friend, Amanda, is expecting twins right before us. She started a baby pool and gave me the idea to do the same. So here is the website and some info. Go put in your guesses!!

It will be fun to make a guess of their weights and arrival dates. No dates after July 21 as I will be induced by then (and good Lord hopefully out!). Baby A is the boy and last weighed 5 lbs on Wednesday. Baby B is the girl and last weighed 4.13 on Wednesday. Good luck!! The game's name is TheSickelTwins.

http://www.expectnet.com/logingame.php?game_name=TheSickelTwins

-Lisa-

Guilty on Bedrest

I have wanted this for SO long!

I have wanted to feel life inside of my belly...and I can. They don't have large movements anymore because I imagine it is pretty cramped in there now. But I can feel them.

I have wanted to be a mom more than anything.

This is why I feel so horrible having these feelings...

I AM MISERABLE! I am so large and so uncomfortable. Carrying around this belly is no easy fete. I have now officially gained 55 pounds!!!! Nobody tells you that the end of pregnancy really isn't fun. Every time I move, I have pain or pressure. I don't sleep more than two hours at a time either because of contractions, getting up to pee, being so HOT, or just plain uncomfortable!

I want these babies out of here! I know that it is early but I sometimes have these feelings that they need to be evicted. I want the best for them I really do. But on the other hand, it would be great to not be pregnant anymore AND I want to meet them!!

Ok...I am glad I got that off my chest.

Now I feel guilty. The truth is...I would never in a million years wish away these pains and discomfort. I would rather feel these pains for another year than to go through the pain of fertility treatments again. That is why I feel guilty complaining. I know the pain of the unknown and it is MUCH worse than the pain of these last week(s) of pregnancy.

I am 33 weeks now. I have made it nearly two weeks past the pre-term labor scare! I had another scare last Thursday where I was back in Labor & Delivery. The contractions got under control and I was able to go back to bedresting.

33weeks 2 days

On Saturday, we are 34 weeks and they won't try to stop labor. I just know that with all of the drama that Max and Harper have created...they will now want their mommy to wait another few weeks. Induction or C-section will be at 37 weeks but I am really hoping to go into labor anytime after Saturday. The sooner the better. I can hardly wait to hold them in my arms.

Their nursery is ready. Our house is ready. Their clothes and blankets are washed. Items are purchased. WE ARE READY! Come on babies!

-Lisa-

Dazed & Confused @ 11 weeks

Happy Friday, everyone!

I have tried to write a post for over a week and just now getting around to it. I am struggling with this new role as "pregnant infertile". I don't quite know how to deal with living a double life which also means I don't know what to write about.

Nearly my entire marriage has been about trying to get pregnant. It became my identity. Now, although I am ecstatic, I don't know where or how I fit that role anymore. It is a strange but also a glorious place to be in.

I feel as if I have not allowed myself to feel excited yet. Being the infertile skeptic, I am waiting for the bad news to come. Every pinch, tweak, cramp, symptom disappearing, headache, makes me think it is all over. It is exhausting! I don't sleep because when I do I dream about horrible results of this pregnancy. I am truly a basket case.

I was supposed to have my new OB appointment today. I got a call this morning that the nurse practitioner was sick and so I had to reschedule for Wednesday. This panicked me. I begged and cried to just see someone, anyone today. I just wanted to make sure the babies were still doing well. One of the doctors had an opening so I took it.

It wasn't a "real" appointment. They used the doppler to make sure everything sounded good. Both babies are still there and moving like crazy. The heartbeats were 174 and 170. She said they kept moving around so she had to keep moving the doppler. I was so relieved.

The bad news is that I am spilling too much protein in my urine. I have to admit that I haven't really been eating as much I should. I am just not hungry but I have to start forcing myself. I have gained 7.5 pounds and they want me around 11 pounds by now. So my goal is to try and feed my face as much as possible.

I started showing a bit last week. This week, I am having a hard time covering up my bump. I keep waiting for one of my overzealous 7th graders to shout out that I have got fat or something. So far, they don't seem to notice. One girl did ask why I have been wearing jackets everyday. She accepted the simple "I am cold" response and moved on. I am not brave enough to post my growing mid section for the world to see. Maybe when I look clearly pregnant and not like I ate too much McDonalds, I will post something.

Hopefully I will have some new pictures of the beans on Wednesday to post here! Have a great weekend!

-Lisa-

Survivor's Guilt, HUGE NEWS, & Lying by Omission

It has been awhile. In fact, as I write this post...I am still unsure when I will actually get around to posting it. I have been adding bits and pieces for a couple of weeks just waiting for the right time to share it. My last "real" post was WAY back in November and since I started blogging, this is by far the longest break I have taken.

All for good reason.

Let me start off by saying, I am sorry. I am sorry for a lot, actually. I am sorry that I have been hiding from the blog. And I am sorry that I can't make sure that all of you have the amazing news that we were blessed with recently.

The day after Thanksgiving, I went in for what I thought was my CD3 scan. You can remember that bitter post where it was all over right here. The ultrasound tech realized that I hadn't shed my lining so that the bleeding and cramping that I had been experiencing was not ole Aunt Flo after all. They ordered more tests, including  HCG. It came back positive 12dpiui at 45.

We went back 72 hours later and it was 351. We went back 48 hours later and it was 943. My doubling times were crazy. But being the skeptic infertile I am, I waited for the bomb to drop. I was waiting for bad news.

We had a couple of weeks where we went about our days knowing that we might, quite possibly be pregnant. This was and still is a foreign feeling, by the way. Our 6 week, 3 day ultrasound was on December 12. To our utter shock, surprise and elation we saw two amazing sacs with two amazing heartbeats. TWINS! I cried. Jeremy sat with his jaw agape. The sonographer, Sara, cried with me. (She has been with me through all the scans for 3 years.)

We went to sit in the waiting room and both of us were literally shaking. We have NEVER received good news about our family. EVER. We have never felt like this journey would end. We always hoped that it would, but neither of us were ever able to picture a happy ending.

Our angels due August 4, 2013! 

BABY B @ 7w3d

BABY A @ 7w3d

After the overwhelming joy of our blessings, the guilt hit me. Like a ton of bricks. I turned to Jeremy crying on our way home and said, "Why us? There are so many women and men out there waiting for their babies. How did we get two?" Jeremy's response was simply, "It is our time. It will be their time at some point too."

And here is where I start having survivor's guilt. If this works and these two gorgeous babies decide to stick around (Lord, I hope so!), I vow to NEVER become a "fertile". I know the horrible mindset of those pesky fertiles and their disregard for the feelings of us, infertile. I will not be a fertile. I will always and forever be an infertile at heart. I know the struggle. I know the sadness. I know the tears. I know the heartbreak. I will never forget.

I know that some of you are hating my news. Some secretly. Some not so secretly. I have been there. For three and half years, I watched friend after friend get the happy ending I dreamed about. I heard and saw so many blogging friends post bump pictures and pregnancy updates. I would politely post a congratulations but the truth was that I was so jealous of their pregnancies, growing bellies, and baby plans. I wanted it for me. So, I won't make you read my posts anymore if you don't wish to.

I was going to make another blog for the pregnancy. But I can't bring myself to do it. This is my blog. I will try not to throw it in your face because I know that stings. But I will most likely post about my pregnancy experiences mixed in with some infertile rants as well. (I still love ranting!)

I need this blog and quite frankly, need all of you. But I do understand if my news makes it difficult for you. I wish we all could see the end to the long tunnel of infertility.

I hope you join me in this new chapter of our journey. I also hope that you forgive me for keeping this from you all for so long. I didn't know how to approach the news or how to say it. (I probably still ticked some of you off even though I tried not to.) I didn't mean to lie by omission but I needed time to wrap my mind around this all.

I thought worrying was over after the ultrasound. Truth is, worrying has taken on a brand new kind of meaning. I worry more now than I ever have! So I would appreciate any prayers, special thoughts, etc. because I am downright worried and frightened that this awesome news can be taken away from us at any time.

I haven't really told anyone about this news outside our circle of very close friends and family. We are almost 9 weeks and it is still too early to break it to them. I am not making a Facebook announcement, so if you are a Facebook friend and reading this, please hold off on the congratulations there until we are ready.

I am not really showing yet (just a pooch) and have not gained any weight yet. With twins I thought I would be huge from the get-go, but I am not complaining. I have been sick nearly everyday. It is a constant feeling of nausea which is probably why I haven't gained any weight yet. We saw our RE to say goodbye today. We took them a tray of goodies for the staff to all share. They will definitely be missed. At today's appointment, we were 8w5d and Baby A measured 8w4d with 184 bpm and Baby B measured 8w4d with 185 bpm. They are growing so quickly!!

Keep believing and trusting! Don't give up!

-Lisa-